A pox on thee, Sanford!

No, not Fred or Lamont Sanford from Sanford and Son. I'm talking about the corporation that makes Sharpie markers. Now, you see, I very much happen to like Sharpies, but I can't say the same for Sanford, because it is a soulless, faceless enterprise, rather than a tangible thing that I can use to label my illegally downloaded music. Oops, did I just type that? I should probably mention my pirated movies, too.

Anyway, about two months ago, I had an "experience," shall we say, with a packet of Sharpie markers that I purchased. To make a long story short, Sanford owes me a new marker. Generally, when you write the company, they'll send you coupons for their free crap. I mean, who would possibly want their money back when they could have more of the same faulty merchandise? But hey, at least it's something. I sent the following letter shortly after my discovery:

Jon "Call Me Badass" P.
619 South State St.
Lincoln, IL 62656

Dear Sir, Madam, or Secretary Robot,

I’ll be blunt (Ha! Blunt like Sharpie markers!)—you guys rock. Ever since I was a younger version of myself, I’ve been buying CD-Rs for "various" purposes. Sharpie markers have always been my accessory of choice for labeling said CDs. Reliable and long-lasting, your black wands of inky, smelly goodness have served me well, in addition to making me delightfully light-headed for many years.

The other day, I went to my local Wal*Mart to refresh my supply. Actually, since I’d just bought some of those sweet black CD-Rs, I needed a silver marker, as it would show up on the black surface much better and look shiny and cool all the while. I nabbed a two-pack of Sharpie Metallics and happily skipped home to put your product into motion. At home, I ripped into the package with much eagerness. Popping off the cap of the first of the two markers, I was horrified to see a copper-colored tip, completely dried up and very much useless. My reaction was not unlike this:

(Imagine a badass sketch here [done with a Sharpie, I might add] of me holding up the dried-out marker and yelling at it. ["Argh! My marker iz broke!"] If I had scanned the original, that's what you'd be seeing, at least.)

Naturally, I was somewhat concerned as to the status of my other marker. I approached it with much trepidation and carefully twisted off the cap to discover that, fortunately, it was fully functional. All was not lost.

I’ve always been a patient and temperate person. If I were some other hot-headed consumer, I would raise a big stink and demand excessive retribution for damages caused to my fragile little psyche, but I’m not that sort of guy. This really isn’t that big a deal for me, but I figured I should write so you were informed of YOUR failure.

I assume you Sanford folks have some sort of quality control, but I guess this one must have just slipped through. I’ve enclosed the package and the one defective marker for your inspection, as instructed by the package. (I’m keeping the other because it works fine and I need it. I hope that’s okay…) I assume you’ll send me something, if nothing else, one shiny new metallic marker, but more than one of any Sharpie marker would also be nice, as I can always use more. I’ll leave the replacement issues to the discretion of whatever department’s responsible.

Still, keep up the good work! As long as you keep making Sharpies, I’ll keep buying them!

Sincerely,

A mild-mannered Sharpie consumer

(badass signature)


Yes, I seriously did send this letter to Sanford, expecting them to send me a whole bushel, or at least a peck, of free markers in penance. Two months later, and I've heard squat from any of their departmental robots, not to mention the glaring lack of free markers.



Had they decided that I was too greedy and perhaps undeserving of a freebie because I had retained my one working marker? Were they awestruck and dumbfounded by the sheer linguistics of my letter? Or maybe they decided not to waste their time with a madman who might simply be perpetuating some tomfoolery? Could it be that Sanford is, in reality, just a heartless subsidiary that cares nothing for the wellbeing of its valued consumers?

I think it's time for a smarmy follow-up letter. I'd boycott Sanford in all their nefarious dealings, but I like their product too much.

Embrace the commodity, damn the man, I say.